American Sad – Chapter 1



“Unfair racism, prejudice and social intolerance.

“Thousands upon thousands of people starving to death and living in poverty.

“The world is a miserable, horrible place…

“But not if you eat Happy Cakes!

“When you eat Happy Cakes the world becomes a magical candyland and you forget all the horrors of real life! Happy Cakes, Happy Cakes, Happy Cakes!”

“Alright boys,” The CEO of Happy Cakes Industries turned off the commercial. “We’ve been running this commercial for months and sales haven’t increased one bit. And I think I know why.”

An employee butted in. “Um…maybe it’s because it’s too depressing? Why not a cartoon character or something?”

“Rob, you’re fired. The reason sales haven’t increased is because the commercial isn’t depressing enough. We need something to make the consumers believe that the world is horrible so our products will be an escape from reality. And I think I have the answer.

“We need not a depressing commercial, but a depressing TV show.

“I have connections with famed cartoonist Sean MacFurthine, creator of the acclaimed show ‘Fat Dumb Family Man’. He has agreed to help us by creating the most depressing, melancholy TV show ever created.

“The show’s name? ‘American Sad’. It is about a CIA agent named Stan who is also a family man. He lives with his wife, Francine, his son, Steve and his daughter, Hayley along with a talking goldfish and an alien. And the show is nothing but miserable and depressing occurences in their family li ives.”

“That’s the worst idea for a show I’ve ever heard.”

“You’re fired too! Sean has created us a pilot episode so we can see first hand what a great marketing tool this cartoon will be.”

The CEO put in another video tape and let the show begin.

Bad Morning USA,
I’ve got a feeling that it’s gonna be a horrible day,
That cloud in the sky has a frown on his face,
And he’s taking a big crap on the whole human race!
Boy, it’s sure a pain to say,
Bad Morning USA.
Bad Morning USA!

Stan crawled his way out of bed, observing the frantic downpour of rain beating against the window.

“Oh crap, I’m so miserable.”

His wife slowly awoke. “Honey.”

“Oh, Francine. Life is a neverending spiral of despair. There never is a sunny day, and my job at the CIA is painful, horrible torture.”

“Well, why don’t you just quit?”

“Honey, you don’t understand. The Deputy Director of the CIA is the evil wizard Bullock. He is a master of the black arts and he once told me that if I ever quit, he’ll kill Santa! And I really want a pony for Christmas!”

As miserable as Stan was, he nonetheless washed and dressed himself, and made his way downstairs for breakfast. As he munched on his Gloomi-o’s, he couldn’t help but notice his family was bawling their eyes out. His daughter, Hayley, his son, Steve, the fish, Klaus, the alien, Roger. All of them wailing like babes.

“I’m so sad!” said Hayley, “No-one will listen to my ultra-liberal stuff!”

“I’m so sad!” said Steve, “I’m a perverted geek and all my friends are losers!”

“I’m so sad!” said Roger, “I saw a website once that said ‘Aliens suck, and homos suck. That means I double suck!”

“I’m so sad!” said Klaus, “I lust for Francine but I’m stuck in this glass prison!”

Stan screamed. “Shut up all of you! Listening to your problems only serve to remind me further of what an eternal descent into the bowels of hell my life is! I have a gun, don’t make me use it!”

“Dad!” said Haley, “What the hell is wrong with you!”

Stan Smith burst into tears. “You’re right, Haley, I’m a terrible father! I wouldn’t be surprised if social services appeared right now to take you away! Well, off to work.”

Stan forced himself to walk out of the house and into his car, so he could go to work and generally have a miserable, depressing day. While driving to his destination, he hit a dog.

“No!” he cried, “I hit a dog! A poor, innocent, defenceless puppy! Dogs were created by Mother Nature to give us human beings endless hours of amusement and joy and one of these graceful creatures is dead becuase of me!” Stan parked his car and ran towards the police station.

“Police! If any of you have hearts, you’ll arrest me and spare the Earth of my evil and foul deeds! If it were not for me, a precious little dog would still be prancing around, chasing cats and licking laughing children in the face! Lock me up and throw away the key!”

However, with a quick ‘pop’, Stan vanished from the police station altogether, materialising into Bullock’s office.

“Stanley Smith! Thou art late! How darest thou defy me, me, the great and powerful Bullock!”

“I’m sorry, almighty evil one. But I killed a dog and…”

“Silence! As punishment for thy tardiness, the beast thou murdered will haunteth thou forever!”

A zombie dog appeared right next to Stan.

“No! Cease these horrific visions of my past misdeeds and show what happiness is like!”

“Never! Back to work!”

“Y’know, Klaus, you’re really starting to bug me.”

“Roger! What is the meaning of this?”

Roger smiled. “I’ve decided to kill you because nobody likes you.”

“No! No! I thought we were best buddies!”

“Not anymore.” Roger grabbed Klaus from his bowl and tossed him in the toilet, which conviently happend to be right next to where Klaus’ bowl was.

“Roger! If you kill me, I will return as a ferocious spectre and will haunt you until the day you join me in the firey pits of Hades!”

Roger ignored Klaus and flushed him anyway. However, just as he flushed the irritating fish into the sewers, a gauzy figure emerged from the porcelin bowl.

“I am the almighty genie of the toilet!”

“Oh goody! Are you gonna grant me wishes?”

“No, I’m going to kill you.”

Then the genie grabbed a sword, stabbed Roger and disappeared.

Francine entered the room and screamed in horror when she saw the carcass.

“No! Not Roger! Anyone but Roger! He was our dearest friend, a little ray of sunshine in our miserable little lives. Now that he’s gone to Heaven, we have nothing left to live for!”

“I agree,” said Hayley, “Today, my boyfriend dumped me! I was hoping for Roger to comfort me in my time of need, but he’s dead!”

“Me too!” cried Steve.

Then the genie of the toilet reappeared and stabbed them all to death.

And burned the house to the ground.

“Oh, what a terrible, terrible day!”

Stan drove slowly to his house, lamenting every single sad occurence that had occured to him. The zombie dog was still following him, and at that time was sitting in the back seat reading magazines.

“No! Just when I thougt this day couldn’t get any worse, my family dies and my house burns down! And Roger, dear sweet, little Roger. You were too young to die. Good night, sweet prince.”

Then Stan grabbed his gun. “Goodbye, cruel world.”

Blam. Nothing.


Bullock appeared again.

“Because I am the almight evil wizard Bullock, I cast a curse on thou so thou can never escape the nightmare that is existence.”

“How can you be so cruel? Look into your heart! Think about the suffering you’re putting me through!”

“For thy insolence, thou will suffer the added burden of watching re-runs of That 80’s Show!”

“My family’s dead, my house is gone, an undead dog won’t leave me alone, and evil magic reigns supreme! Needless to say, there will never be any happiness in my life! All I see in my future is a never-ending vortex of misery and hate!”


“So, what do you think?”

“Sir…if his family is dead and his house burnt down, what’s going to happen in future episodes?”

“The entirety of every episode will be Stan complaining of his losses in long, poignant monologues.”

“How is that a bad idea?”

“Hi kids! I’m Harry the Happy Bear! Why am I so happy? Because I eat Happy Cakes! Happy Cakes are a good, nutritious snack to eat for desserts and on picnics! They taste good and are good for you! Buy Happy Cakes today!”

Stan moaned even more. “Why don’t they acknowledge my pain? Why advertise their products with a stupid cartoon rather than let people know what I’m going through? LIFE IS HELL.”


Oh yeah, and I ripped this off a Simpsons comic. I’m sorry.

Can Marge Simpson cause blindness? The answer may surprise you.

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